I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
