Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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