You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
