Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
