I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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