I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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