You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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