Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
