Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
