I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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