I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
