So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
