Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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