In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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