I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
