Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
