have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
