Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
