Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
