his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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