cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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