And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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