I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
