Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We talked him into tasing himself.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
