how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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