i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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