I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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