I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
