K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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