I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
