You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How does it feel to date your dad?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
