Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Vodka?
Forever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize