he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize