Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
