i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
tell me about the fingering
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