you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
