He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
