id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
