you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
