i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
