i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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