she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
