how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
