Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
