Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
