haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
