we have pet lesbian snakes
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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