My first STD was from a foam party
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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