I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
They took my balls.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
