I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Randomize
