i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
