i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
