I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Who died my cat blue again?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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