Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
