I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
