I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
