He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize