A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
